Mikołajki, najbardziej ekscytujący i wyczekiwany przez dzieci czas. Zewsząd docierają dawno temu utarte powiedzenia, że „święty Mikołaj przychodzi tylko do grzecznych dzieci”. Czy to prawda?
Na początek napiszę, że nie przepadam za określeniem „niegrzeczny” (choć w mojej podświadomości z czasów dzieciństwa jeszcze to słowo funkcjonuje). Bo skąd maluch, który dopiero uczy się współżycia społecznego ma się orientować w tym, jakie zachowanie uznane będzie za „grzeczne”, a które za „niegrzeczne”?
Dużo większą korzyścią w uczeniu dzieci tego, jakie zachowanie jest pożądane przez dorosłych, a jakiego powinne się wystrzegać jest nazywanie tego, co się wydarzyło i określanie naszego stosunku do tego.
Na przykład: czteroletni Staś „specjalnie” głośno krzyczy i woła, gdy jego mama rozmawia przez telefon na ważny temat. Niestety mama nie jest w stanie kontynuować rozmowy i na chwilę ją przerywa.
Reakcja nr 1: Staś, jesteś niegrzeczny! Jeśli w tej chwili nie przestaniesz, to nie obejrzysz już dziś bajki!
Reakcja nr 2: Staś, gdy rozmawiałam przez telefon bardzo głośno krzyczałeś. Zezłościło mnie to, ponieważ nie słyszałam, co mówiła do mnie pani. Potrzebuję trochę czasu, żeby coś załatwić. Daj mi proszę chwilkę, porozmawiam z panią i zaraz będziemy się bawić.
Reakcja numer jeden nic nie mówi dziecku o jego zachowaniu, jedynie nakleja mu etykietę tego „niegrzecznego”.
Z kolei w drugiej reakcji maluch otrzymuje jasny komunikat co się wydarzyło, jakie to wzbudziło uczucia, jakie są nasze potrzeby, a także usłyszało prośbę (zgodnie z założeniami komunikacji bez przemocy).
Nie bez przyczyny wzięłam w cudzysłów słowo „specjalnie” powyżej. Dzieci, które zachowują się naszym zdaniem niegrzecznie, zazwyczaj chcą nam w ten sposób coś zakomunikować.
Na przykład:
- „mamo, potrzebuję Twojej uwagi”
- „jestem głodny, ale nie potrafię tego inaczej wyrazić”
- „nie chcę być tutaj bez Ciebie, Mamo”
- „jestem zmęczony”
- „miałem ciężki dzień”
- „coś poszło nie po mojej myśli”
- „boję się”
- „bądź przy mnie, Mamo”
Zastanów się więc w każdej takiej sytuacji, czy dziecko faktycznie psoci i jest niegrzeczne, czy może chce nam coś swoim zachowaniem pokazać.
Bardzo lubię określenie: niegrzeczne dzieci nie istnieją. I tak właśnie myślę o dzieciach. Jako o małych, niedojrzałych emocjonalnie istotach, które komunikują otoczeniu, że coś u nich nie gra. Jednocześnie wiem i akceptuję to, że czasem psocą. Daję im być po prostu dziećmi, bo to wszystko bardzo szybko mija.
A teraz zastanówmy się, co z tym Mikołajem? Czy niegrzeczne dzieci nie dostają prezentów?
My, dorośli, doskonale wiemy, że to tylko nasz swego rodzaju szantaż, próba poradzenia sobie z takim „niegrzecznym dzieckiem” poprzez zastraszenie go, że coś, na co bardzo czeka nie spotka go tylko dlatego, że zrobił coś nieakceptowanego.
Dorosły poszedł na łatwiznę stosując tę taktykę, zamiast wytłumaczyć, zrozumieć, przytulić. A chcemy przecież wychować pewnego siebie, wartościowego człowieka, a nie zastraszoną istotę z etykietami.
Na koniec chcę dodać, że nie ma rodziców doskonałych, choć wielu na takich aspiruje. Trzeba w tych wszystkich radach z jednej strony zachować zdrowy rozsądek i nie dołować się, a z drugiej mieć z tyłu głowy lepsze rozwiązania na trudne sytuacje.
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